A variety of thoughts are running through my head this morning.

I woke up depressed.
On my way to work this morning...
The vagabond within me took its sharp fingernail and scratched down the length of my chest, slicing an oozing, bloody line of flesh, wanting out. The sting sent my mind reeling into thoughts of waiting tables in a sunny seaside town in Italy, or roaming through vineyards in a chilly, misty French valley. I know the reality though - my thoughts are driven by my temporary unhappiness. And I felt a surge of anger and sadness and wondered, "when will I be happy? will I ever be happy? when can I just settle down and be happy with that?" I don't know why my thoughts have tendencies to go that way. Luckily, this morning, I was able to ground my concerns and root them in real problems rather than my ephemeral musings.

I believe the truth of my concern is more in relation to my future, to my goals. Will I ever get my MBA? When? I definitely saw that coming before I turned 30, but now, frighteningly enough, that age is staring me in the face like a pistol during an ill-fated game of Russian roulette. Shit. Also, what about the Scholarship fund I want to start? That I've been wanting to start since my sister graduated from college 4 years ago? At what point do I decide I can do things rather than my standard I don't know how therefore I can't? Hmm...

I feel like my career is lacking a sense of fulfillment that I get from actually helping people. Yes, that is what made me feel *so* good about being a flight attendant. First of all, I was very good at it, and secondly, I helped people and made people happy. I need that sort of thing in my life. That's on my list of "things to figure out."

Another thing I've discovered that is bothering me today is the shooting in Virginia. See, the whole incident is depressing, but what gets to me the most is that the shooter was a senior at Virginia Tech. Now, I know this case is extreme, but I really feel that the senior year of college, for most people, is incredibly difficult. You ask yourself who you are, what you're doing, what will happen after graduation. I understand that high school is like this for a lot of people as well. You come to a crossroads in your life. A lot of people (myself included) are not or were not prepared for this. Your whole life, until that point, is about school. Then what? I feel like our society does an atrocious job preparing young people for the "what now? what's next? what the hell!?" reality of life after education. I know it was a very difficult time for me (and career choices, etc, definitely haven't been easy for me), for Val! and for Belinda. It makes me wonder if there is something that can be done to step in to show young people that there really is something out there after college.

I am going to throw that idea to our community relations department and see if they think there is any sort of new program we can work on. I don't have much faith in people wanting to take on gigantic, new projects though. Especially if they don't mean bringing in more revenue.


I think I am finished with my rant for now. :)